The Mediocre Medical Mom

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that’s mentionable can be managable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk, can help us know that we are not alone.” -Fred Rogers

As someone who has experienced trauma long before I even became a mother 10 years ago, I have always found ways to navigate it, deal with it (or not sometimes), & somehow get through it while maintaining having the goal of improving myself as a person. Regardless of how angry or upset I was by something. By that I mean: “how can I use something this bad and turn it into something good?” For me, perspective was my greatest asset. Why? Because I refused to become one of those “hurt people, hurt people” type of person. I know how trauma feels, I am not someone who could live with myself knowing I’ve caused such great hurt to someone or really cut them to their core. I understood how those feelings can really alter you, how you think, how you feel and how you trust. So why would I want to become that? NOPE. Not for me, I am not built like that. The majority of the kind of trauma I’m referring to here is the kind that was caused at the hands of other people. I have always made sure I spent time really figuring out why something happened the way it did, what affect it had on me (or impact on my life), and what ways & tools I can use to redirect how things affected me.

One of the perspectives I chose to use, that stemmed from all of that kind of trauma is: I am grateful that it prepared me with the emotional & mental strength to navigate how to deal with the trauma I didn’t know was in store for me in the future. The future being now, and the now is the trauma that came along with my most recent pregnancy and the birth of my son, Giovanni. Aside from some of the hardest days of my life over the last 4 months, I think I am or have been handling/navigating most days pretty well. However, lately when I hit theses little struggle patches as I’m stuck in my head about something, Ive been asking myself: am I actually coping with it? Or am I just ignoring it, tucking it all away & disassociating so that I can keep focusing and continue to show up each day as the superhero mom to both my kids whose medical needs relies on me full-time? At this point in time, I actually can’t tell the difference anymore.

Realistically, I haven’t had one day since I gave birth on June 15th to properly process or acknowledge any of it. Not the diagnosis at my 20-week appointment, not the rest of the pregnancy filled with worry, not the emergency C-section I had to save my sons life, not his birth & resuscitation, not his admittance to the NICU, not his almost 4-month stay, and not his first and only week and a half home with us before returning to the hospital.

There are things about my past that I might talk about and there are things that I will probably keep to myself for quite a while until we round more in depth on these types of conversations. However, while I FEEL like most days I am coping well, I think it’s safe to say that I think I am capable of doing both.

Having to have an emergency c-section, having my son take his first breath -and his last- needing to be resuscitated and then whisked away from me, really took a huge toll on both my mind and my body. For those 3 months he was in the hospital, I made the best routine that I could to be there as often as I could. The GUILT I wore then, and I still wear now not being able to stay overnight every night or be there as much as I could still wears on me. Having a school-aged Type 1 Diabetic at home, made being there around the clock nearly impossible. Unfortunately, I am still going through that battle as I type this. I am trying to utilize this project I created to help organize my thoughts and HELP my mental health because the truth is, I don’t have time to “put myself first”. To be honest, I am not sure I even know how to do that.

My son has 10+ diagnoses. That is real and that is raw for me, my only goal is learning and constantly trying to educate myself on how to balance those and how to make life as comfortable, happy and successful as I can for him because I have NO idea what his future looks like, I am riddled with fear and just focus on how to make sure the day after next, he has everything he needs to just grow into a healthy child who gets to enjoy his life. He has been home twice now, and I have had to have him readmitted, most recently was last night/today. I am CONSTANTLY advocating for him because while I am not a doctor, but I AM A MOTHER. When I know something is “off”… I go balls to the wall being “that mom”- respectfully of course. Now we have gone over his little body with the tiniest fine-toothed comb and are trying any and all things that might narrow down what it is that I SEE him struggling with. He has had an irritability since birth and we are currently trying to narrow that down and figure out what it is, and how we can make him more comfortable here at home.

We have consulted with neurology many times and they keep going by what they see on the outside and keep finding “no cause for concern”, but after going through every detail of other causes- and also having multiple conditions that all contribute to the neurological side, THIS is my area of “banging on the wall” until someone HEARS ME.

Having him home twice and having him put back out of my reach, an hour away, where I can’t see his smile, kiss his little face, his feet, his hands, just hold him and look at him in his dreamy little eyes as he stares into my soul- almost with a “thank you mom, please don’t stop fighting for me” type look in his eyes…. IS RIPPING ME APART. I am confident that I have both slowly and quickly crossed the fine line from just suffering from PTSD over to CPSTD. My only focus is just my kids. Their health, their lives, their well-being, their future and me being their mom. Now, I know that in order to do that properly, I NEED to learn to take care of and learn to organize my mental health. Which is why I created this website! It’s a start. This is for me to find a place and people to share with the WEIGHT I carry on my mind, my body, AND MY HEART. I know I am not alone; I just need to find others who are willing to drop this weight off with me. I created this ALSO for all of you…. to know that I AM WALKING WITH YOU. I AM FIGHTING SIDE BY SIDE WITH YOU, YOUR CHILDREN & YOUR FAMILIES. We are in this together.

So, all in all I am sure you were looking to see if I had an answer to my original question- “Am I Coping or Disassociating?”…. the answer is: both. I am coping as best as I know how, and I’m disassociating when I need to make it to the next check point until I have my family under one roof. Until my son is home for good, until I know these doctors have HEARD ME. They always tell me “What a great job I am doing advocating for him” and honestly, hearing that is what keeps me going.

If you have stayed to read this far, I appreciate the time you have taken to get to know me and learn a little bit more about the driving force behind what this page really means to me. I hope it gave some insight to some, I hope it gave a “gosh I can relate” feeling to others, and I hope one day you’ll be brave enough to share your story, your struggles, your coping mechanisms with me. If you are ready to drop some of the weight of what it takes to be a medical parent- off here. You are more than welcome and can do so through any of the ways that are listed on the CONTACTS Page here on the website.

Thank you, until next time!

You can find a list of resources on page 2 of this blog! I have listed quite a few different resources for anyone who is struggling with mental health or suicidal concerns.

Please stay safe and reach out if you need to!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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